Thoughts of Death

At this time last year I had a set routine. I would wake up, eat, clean up a little, bathe, and then work. When work ended at night time I would watch a series or do a bit of ironing. Then I’d go to sleep. Wake up the next day and do almost the same exact thing. There would be times when I wouldn’t be able to step out of the door for days. I think my longest streak was 10 days.

My interactions with people were limited to my online students, the people inside this house, and occasionally my neighbors. The only outsider I saw regularly (once every few weeks) was my best friend. I was numb. Dead inside. The only thing keeping me then from putting a bullet into my head was the thought that I still had to pay off the debt I had accumulated when my father died. I told myself that I could die when I had paid off everything.

I had a plan set as to how by the end of 2016 I would be cleared of all liabilities and free to off myself. Then I got a call. And things changed.

There are still days when I want to kill myself. I would be slicing something and then I would think that it would be so easy to place the knife against my jugular. With a flick of the wrist I’d bleed out. Or I would be walking on the road and I’d see a big truck ambling by. All I’d have to do is make dash for its wheels and my brain would splatter on the pavement. Or I could walk into the sea and let the tides take me.

I still want to die. But now I have to consider that there would be someone who would see my death as more than an inconvenience.

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2 Responses to “Thoughts of Death”

  1. Yo Sugihara Says:

    Hi Rica, I’ve read your thought. I was shocked I hadn’t knew that your pain caused by the liability until now. I strongly belive that you will be able to change your mind by focusing on the job in the English school as I noticed that you had been feeling very happy rather than the time working rarejob in the full time basis. I would support paying off the liability. You should live for your future happiness as you are the great person should become happy.

    • Rica Cristina Baldomar Says:

      Hello Yo. I’ve been struggling with depression for a few years now. Every few months it gets bad enough that I want to end it all. You’re right, working at the academy helped a little. I think being surrounded by so many children has helped stave off my urges to just die, Thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it.

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